Following my heart.... Living the dream!

So for the past few weeks I have been working on something special for a very good friend of mine as a baby shower gift. Something I hope she will cherish and hold dear to her heart for the rest of her life. I must admit, I'm pretty proud of it. =) I will post pics and blog about it after I give it to her, but until then I can't give away the surprise... he! he!

As I have been working on this, I came across some old things I had written. I came across some songs that I remember listening to over and over as I was writing my book.... or starting it anyway. Now, here I am, listening to those songs, over and over again. It's amazing how much my life has changed since I first heard these songs, yet they still fit and describe my life perfectly. Truthfully, they probably describe your life too.

These songs, they got me through times when I was so down on myself. Not really sure why I was now that I think about it, I just remember being in this place....stuck and I felt like I just kept sinking lower in this hole I couldn't claw my way out of. I love being able to look back and see that I made it. I'm out and I'm on top of this mountain now. I love every single second of my life. I have it all. All that *I* need. All that *I* want. I have the life MY dreams are made of. And I have so much more to do!!

Anyway.... point of this blog is I came across part of the book I have been trying to write for YEARS now. Seriously, going on 5 years now that I've been writing it. I read over this short part of the book and for the first time, liked it. I am one of those people that writes something and rereads it a few days later and changes her mind.... but now, I like this. It's open, honest, and says what I wanted it too. I never shared any of this with anyone before, but here I am. A "new" person and I'm asking for feedback. So read this, tell me what you think.... but you must be honest. Those of you who knew me in jr high and high school, know who I'm talking about in this writing... and those of you who knew him, will know how I was then.... Have I changed? Did I change then? Am I better now? Please.... I'm asking for brutal honesty. Tell me, is this good enough to keep and something to start with? I'm determined to finish this book. This has been a dream of mine for as long as I can remember and it's time for me to follow my dream.... I want this more than I've wanted anything.

Ok.... here it is....


I once read this quote about life that made me laugh just because it was funny. Then I read it again and that time, I laughed because I knew it was true. On the hit TV show Friends, Monica Gellar said “Welcome to the real world! It sucks –you’re gonna love it!” Of course, when she said it, it was probably meant as a joke and it is funny in the way it is said, but when I read it, it meant so much more. That quote was the story of my life.
For as long as I can remember, I knew I lived in a world that was nothing short of what most people dream about. I grew up with the typical, semi-above average lifestyle. My parents were married, I had an older brother, a big house and anything I could have asked for or wanted I pretty much got. I was more than blessed I should say. More than most people anyway. I went to a school with all different races, all income levels and all kinds of labels. I had the same issues anyone else had; boys, friends and just plain old drama. I was always in the middle of it all, but then again, what girl wasn’t in the middle of it?
As I grew up, things just kept changing. My brother went to college, my parents divorced and here I was thirteen, and now feeling more awkward and alone than ever. This life I thought I had that was so wonderful had just been ripped out from under me and I was left with all these questions and no answers. My dad moved out and it was me and my mom in this huge house that was empty and full of memories I couldn’t even recall; all because of that one moment. But slowly and surely, my life started looking up again. My mom and dad both seemed happier, which in turn made my life easier, even though before I never noticed it feeling hard until it was finally easy. I eventually got over the shock and disappointment, the pain subsided and the blame disappeared. Finally, I was happy again and back where I thought I should be in my life.
At that point…here comes high school. The moment most kids can’t wait for, then when it arrives, they can’t wait for it to end. At fourteen, my life was perfect. I had it all, even though I didn’t have it all together. I was living the life I had been waiting for. I was on and off with a boyfriend I adored and loved (for what I knew of love then), I had more friends than I could have imagined and I was finally getting the opportunity to experience real life and what it felt like to be ME. There wasn’t much more that I could have asked for. Then he died on December 13, 1997. My boyfriend, the person I thought I loved the most in this world, was gone. He was killed in a car accident and that was the night my life ended, or the life I was living up until that point. I had lost one of my grandfathers years before that, but I was too young to really know what all was going on. So this was the first time I felt my heart stop beating and knew what real heart break and loss felt like. From then on, I was NEVER the same. I had no idea how to cope or who to turn to. So many of my other friends were suffering like me, but they seemed to be able to move on and I just couldn’t let go. I turned into someone I started to hate. I was mean, hurtful, selfish, and even worse; I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror and smile because I had NO IDEA who I was looking at. I became my own worst enemy.

So.....there it is. Maybe it sucks. Maybe it's not what I should be saying. Who knows.... I just want your opinion. So give it to me...

P.S. The songs I love so much are by Jo Dee Messina.....ah I love these songs! =)



Aimee' Lynn said...

Marissa - You are an amazing writer, I wish I had an ounce of your talent. I think it's perfect and I'm not just saying that because I'm your best friend. I can't wait to read more of it...please continue writing, I know it's your dream...and destiny.

The Kaufmann Krew said...

You should totally keep writing. I think its awesome! Im right there with Aimee...i wish i could write like you! I will be praying for you!

April Bryan (Schneider) said...

I know we've never been the closest of friends but you've been in my life for a long time, whether it be through dancing with my sister, church, or boys from Pasadena. I remember when that incident happened in your life and I remember you also being the luckiest girl because you got your hardship license and got to drive earlier than everyone and you drove a mustang I believe. Ever since I knew you were writing a book I've been anxious to read it, and now that I have read a snip of it...I think it is perfect and very true to your heart. Keep writing and get it done - you are doing awesome.

April Bryan (Schneider)