God must really love me.

For years now I have questioned everything that happens to me -- in my life, in the world, to people I love. I always feel the need to have an answer for anything that might be going on. I have always felt that I could find a reason for whatever it is and that there is always an explanation for everything. Why would God allow this to happen? Why did He feel it was time for me to struggle once again? How come I feel I'm the one that has to deal with so much and the rest of the world is sitting back and enjoying life?

Of course, I knew then, as I know now, that was in no way the case, but when I am having that moment I can't help but be selfish or feel as though I am totally alone and that my world is falling apart all around me.... on top of me and that it's because of something I did or said. It's my fault. I caused this. It's God's way of punishing me for being sinful. "What goes around comes around" and I needed to accept my payback because it was deserved. Again, I know better. I know that's not the way it works. I'm smarter than that, but I can't deny that there have been more times than I can count that I've felt that way. That I've felt whatever I'm dealing with is in some way because of some past bad choice or action and it was up to me to accept it for what it is and move on because I brought it upon myself.

Now, in some way, is one of those times for me. A time of questioning and doubting and feeling I must have done something to deserve this moment. But on the other hand, it's different. Right now, I feel this peace within me, or maybe it's better explained as this new understanding. Understanding and accepting that I truly believe God never gives me more than I can handle. He does not bring bad to my life. He is not the one that makes these things happen. He would never cause pain and suffering to people. Sadly, but truthfully, this is the first time in 25 years that I really believe and understand that. I've always wanted to believe that He doesn't cause people to change or leave. It's not him that gives people cancer. He doesn't make people die. Until now though, I would try to find comfort in Him and really believe that it's not Him, but I can't lie and say I haven't had my doubts. I know I shouldn't question Him, His reasons or His actions. I know it's not for me to completely comprehend. I know I'll never fully understand His reasons for all that happens, but up until recently, I didn't believe. I didn't understand. I didn't know that God is good.... not some of the time -- GOD IS GOOD -- ALL OF THE TIME. I know now.

I feel the need to put myself out there and admit something that is really hard for me to do. I am not the Christian I want to be. I know as some of you read this, you are thinking "well, that's ok, none of us are the person or the Christian we want to be, but that's nothing to be ashamed of," but there is more to it. I'm not the Christian God wants me to be. I don't understand His Word. I don't know His whole story. I don't know what I feel so many other people in my life know and understand. I can't blame anyone else but myself for this. Before now, I've always felt comfortable with just getting by and knowing what I have felt was the important stuff. Call me blind. Call me ignorant. Call me whatever you feel is right, but I'm just being honest here. I'm sharing my heart because I feel it is important for you to know the truth behind who I am and I feel it is my first step in following His calling for me.

I have always had faith in God (well, not always -- there was a dark time in my life that I turned from God and blamed Him for everything I could blame Him for) and I have always thought He was a part of me. I pray. I ask Him to help me. I try. But more often than not, I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel I'm not doing something right. I feel like He isn't here. I question. I beg. I hear nothing. I see nothing. I feel nothing. I am helpless. I let go. I give up. I give in. I walk away.

God, I'm letting go. I'm done. I can't do it alone anymore. I don't want to do it alone anymore. I'm not sure why I ever thought I should even try. I know You. I love You. I feel You. I need You. I'm begging You. Help me. Show me the way. Forgive me. Please, forgive me. My life is Yours and I'm ready for anything You want to give me. I can face it because I have You. "When I showed you the worst of me, You saw the best." Help me see that too. I believe. I understand. I'm ready. I open and I'm willing.

I'm kind of at a loss for words here. I'm really putting myself out there and I feel very vulnerable and I don't like it. I am scared. I am confused and a little lot overwhelmed. Maybe this is something personal I shouldn't share with my readers (all two of you who read lol). But maybe I should. Maybe this is something one of you needed to read. Maybe this is Gods way of putting MY calling into action. I hope so. I pray so. I believe so.

As I started this post, this is not at all where I had intended it to go. I had it all written out in my mind and this is not what it was supposed to say. Then again, nothing happens the way I think it should or the way I plan for it to. When will I learn that it's not up to me? It is not me who makes these decisions and starting now, I will try as best I can to accept and follow His lead.

I am beginning to understand. I am learning to believe. I have faith. In myself. But mostly, In Him.

God must really love me.