Forgiveness

I originally intended to use this to hurt those that hurt me and my family so badly. For days I had this anger that was eating me up and nothing seemed to rid me of that feeling except the thought of "getting even." I tried over and over to find the words that would sting them as much as theirs burned me, but no matter how much I thought I wanted that comfort of knowing they too were broken, it all came back to only one, simple, powerful, honest and KIND word:

Forgiveness.

Not hate.
But Forgive.
Not disgust.
But Forgive.
Not anger.
But Forgive.

As days passed this word was a constant. No matter the thoughts that came into my head, my hands could only type forgive. Everywhere I turned, there was a sign telling me to let go. To move on. To pray.

To forgive.

So here I am.... trying to let go. Working on moving on. On my knees praying. Learning to forgive.

When people are born we are not given the choice to choose our family. We are not allowed to pick the easy road and check "perfect" on the application. We are not given the opportunity to voice our opinion on what we think is best or right for us and we are surely not asked where we want to end up. We grow into what we are raised to be.

However, we are given the choice as we grow older to be good or bad. We are allowed to choose the path we wish to travel and we can check "as close to perfect as possible" on our own application on who we hope to become. We are given the right to say what we please, but more importantly, given the ability to know when to keep quiet. We grow into what we are raised to be by applying the knowledge and tools given to us to make us a good, honest, GODLY person.

This world is tough. There is no doubt about it. Experiences and people will tear you apart if you let them. We are all broken in some shape or form and everyone is struggling with their own demons. It's what makes us human. It's what makes us unique. There is no instruction manual for how to get through life unchiped or unhurt. The only way out is to have faith. To believe life gets better, that people can change, and that GOD IS GOOD.

As the days have passed, I have realized the more I dwell on this experience, I am doing more harm than good. The anger I held on to. The hateful words I thought, and yes, sometimes expressed to those closest to me. The pain I couldn't let go of. It was only hurting me. It was doing nothing to them. Isn't that what my goal was to begin with? Getting even?

Funny how things can look so different when you take a step back and breathe...

I wasn't raised to be unkind and hurtful. I was never taught to talk badly to or about someone and I surely was never told how to be disrespectful. I did not grow into that kind of person, because I was not raised that way. I'm a good, honest, christ-loving woman who is patient and understanding.

I am a forgiving person.

But why is it that I must forgive someone that feels they have done no wrong? How is that fair? Why is it me that must make a mends or find peace after their wrong doings? It doesn't seem right.

Truth is that it's not right that I am paying the price for the unkindness of another person, but it is right that I'm having to answer for my own participation. It seems unfair that I'm the one suffering when they have probably not thought twice about their actions or words, but my suffereing is not from them, it is from myself.

I am a forgiving person... when it comes to forgiving others.

When I look back and think of all that happened I can see that as wrong as this person was to say and act the way they did, I can not judge. I was no better. I was not acting how I was raised. I was acting as ungodly as they were and He knows I know better. I'm not saying it's easy to walk away from a circumstance when you and your family are being verbally attacked, but I know He would have given me the answers and the appropriate way to respond had I just listened.

He is a forgiving God.

Thank goodness for that!

I do not agree and do not condone the behavior that took place, but I apologize for my part in it. I will not deny that my heart still aches for the hurt my family was put through on a day they will never get back, but I will admit I had part in it. I can not control the actions of others, but I can control my own.

It's time to let go. I'm ready to move on. I remain on my knees praying.

I've learned to forgive them... and myself.

In my opinion, in the end, it all comes down to me and God on the road to FORGIVENESS.

And I know in my heart that He has forgiven me.

He has given me the chance to turn a terrible moment into a cherished memory all the while teaching me the real meaning behind forgiveness.

James 1:19 "But let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger."