To a new year and a new me

I know.... you probably can't believe your eyes. I'm ACTUALLY posting something! I can hardly believe it myself! But it's the beginning of a new year and one extremely small resolution of mine was to start blogging again. I know, seems simple, but a while (a LONG while) back I just couldn't find the time, or energy or even reason to blog. Not that I didn't have stories to tell or things I wanted to brag about, but it all felt so "routine" or like I was repeating myself over and over again. Eventually it got to the point that I didn't know where or when to start again because more and more time would pass and I felt like people (all 2 of you ha) wouldn't be interested anyway.

After the end of a year and start of another, I realize I don't want my blogging to be about other people reading it and having things to say to make you want to come back (sorry!!) but more for me and so I have something to look back on. I love to scrapbook, but absolutely do not have the time or patience to do all that I would want to do with it, so this is a perfect solution for me. I can journal struggles and triumphs. Important dates, moments and funny things that happen. Mostly, I can write about anything I WANT and in all honesty, it's such a stress reliever for me.

As I've said before, I love to write.... anything, anytime, anywhere. I'm a much better writer than speaker, which is why I hate to talk on the phone but can text a million miles a minute. It's not that I don't have a lot to say, because I always have plenty to talk about, it's just I prefer to write and proofread things so I can make sure I say what I want to say and how I want to say it.... because I tend to put my foot in my mouth or say things the wrong way more times than I want to admit. =)

With this new year starting, like most people I set new years resolutions, but instead I'm not setting things I will easily give up on. I decided I would only set things that I really want to work on and know that I will not quit after a week.... things that are too important to me to walk away from. And again, like most people, I feel like if I put them out there I can't go back on them.... so I'm using this as my accountability partner. My reminder that I set a goal and I want to reach them. To top it off, Hank had to set 3 goals for Karate at the start of the year, so if my 6 year old can set goals and keep to them, why the heck can't I?

Alright.... so here goes nothin--

1. I want to be a better wife. Not that I'm a bad wife or anything like that, but I know more times than I want to admit I put my "wifely" duties last. It's easy to do that when you have kids to take care of and other responsibilites and you have a spouse as great as mine, but it's not something I'm proud of and it's something that's been weighing on my heart a lot lately. I really want to be a wife my husband deserves and someone he really can't live without.

2. With being a better wife, I also want to be a better mom. Sure, I'm pretty much everything to my kids most days, but I will (sadly) admit my patience it not the best and our time together is not always quality, even if the quantity is plentiful. I want to spend more one on one time with the boys and be more involved with all the things they love..... even if it means putting legos together for hours or watching the same moving over and over. Fixing the race track 9 billion times a day, or pushing Jace on his bike because he can't pedal yet, but he wants to be just like Hank. I want to be not only their guardian and safe place, but someone they enjoy being with and WANT to talk to, play with and spend time with.

3. I want to go to church ... regularly. I want to read the Bible. I want to build a real, strong relationship with the Lord. A relationship that is just ours. I want to know Him like I've never known Him before and I want to really understand Him and His way. I want to trust Him and give Him all of me instead of the parts I feel comfortable giving.

4. I want to be a better friend. I have seriously put this on the backburner for many years now and I have some of the best friends in the world because they are still around and Lord knows I haven't been what I should have been.

5. I want to be better to myself. Sometimes (ok, all the time) I am pretty hard on myself. I never feel pretty enough, skinny enough, good enough. I always find a flaw or something to pick on. I want to be fair and learn to love myself for who I am. How can I expect others to treat me right or accept me for who I am if I don't even like myself?

Ok, so those are the biggest 5. Like I said earlier, I have some small resolutions (such as blogging more often) that I want to work on as well, but those will be "easier" to stick to than the "tough" stuff. So anyway, I'm gonna go start working on those by getting off here and spending some time with my little man before it's time to pick up big brother from school.... Air Bud and cuddle time.... here I come. =)

Only one day left!!!

Well it seems only one person has decided to take part in my GIVEAWAY over at Lil' Bits of Life. Maybe some of you did not know I was hosting it or just forgot, so I'm going to give you guys one more chance to head on over and join in!

If no one else decides to participate I might have to just call it off. =( But don't worry Simple Chaos, because you are the only one who has participated, you will get a prize for sure! =)

So to the rest of you, head over to Lil' Bits of Life and join in, or lose out!

Things I DON'T Understand

-why my oldest doesn't hear me the first, second, third, and sometimes fourth time I tell him to do things, yet hears his father the first time (well... most of the time)

-why my dog barks at me EVERYTIME i get on the phone, even tho he never needs anything important

-why my kids always need me the moment i need to go to the bathroom

-why my youngest wants to stay in his birthday suit alllll day, everyday

-why my kids feel the need to argue over EVERYTHING, big or small, just for the sake of irritating the other one

-why my oldest can't sit still longer then .435 seconds, does not understand the meaning of "be quiet" and has a sound effect for EVERYTHING

-why my little monster likes to pour his drink on the floor (whatever floor) then proceed to get down on all fours and slurp it up like a dog

-why my oldest has to question anything he can think of and then question my answer to the first question

-why my baby boy felt the need to remove his *new* pull up he was wearing ON HIS OWN after he pooped in it!

-more importantly, why he felt the need to then touch his rear end with BOTH hands, grab the poop out of the pull up, throw it on the floor, step in it, then walk up the stairs while smearing his dirty hands ALL up the walls and head to the bathroom to try to clean himself up, only to make a bigger mess for ME

-why i would find the last two even the least bit funny and not at all surprising?!?


*and just so you know, he did all of this in the time it took me to put the towels i just folded away in the closet.... all of 32 seconds!!!*

Forgiveness

I originally intended to use this to hurt those that hurt me and my family so badly. For days I had this anger that was eating me up and nothing seemed to rid me of that feeling except the thought of "getting even." I tried over and over to find the words that would sting them as much as theirs burned me, but no matter how much I thought I wanted that comfort of knowing they too were broken, it all came back to only one, simple, powerful, honest and KIND word:

Forgiveness.

Not hate.
But Forgive.
Not disgust.
But Forgive.
Not anger.
But Forgive.

As days passed this word was a constant. No matter the thoughts that came into my head, my hands could only type forgive. Everywhere I turned, there was a sign telling me to let go. To move on. To pray.

To forgive.

So here I am.... trying to let go. Working on moving on. On my knees praying. Learning to forgive.

When people are born we are not given the choice to choose our family. We are not allowed to pick the easy road and check "perfect" on the application. We are not given the opportunity to voice our opinion on what we think is best or right for us and we are surely not asked where we want to end up. We grow into what we are raised to be.

However, we are given the choice as we grow older to be good or bad. We are allowed to choose the path we wish to travel and we can check "as close to perfect as possible" on our own application on who we hope to become. We are given the right to say what we please, but more importantly, given the ability to know when to keep quiet. We grow into what we are raised to be by applying the knowledge and tools given to us to make us a good, honest, GODLY person.

This world is tough. There is no doubt about it. Experiences and people will tear you apart if you let them. We are all broken in some shape or form and everyone is struggling with their own demons. It's what makes us human. It's what makes us unique. There is no instruction manual for how to get through life unchiped or unhurt. The only way out is to have faith. To believe life gets better, that people can change, and that GOD IS GOOD.

As the days have passed, I have realized the more I dwell on this experience, I am doing more harm than good. The anger I held on to. The hateful words I thought, and yes, sometimes expressed to those closest to me. The pain I couldn't let go of. It was only hurting me. It was doing nothing to them. Isn't that what my goal was to begin with? Getting even?

Funny how things can look so different when you take a step back and breathe...

I wasn't raised to be unkind and hurtful. I was never taught to talk badly to or about someone and I surely was never told how to be disrespectful. I did not grow into that kind of person, because I was not raised that way. I'm a good, honest, christ-loving woman who is patient and understanding.

I am a forgiving person.

But why is it that I must forgive someone that feels they have done no wrong? How is that fair? Why is it me that must make a mends or find peace after their wrong doings? It doesn't seem right.

Truth is that it's not right that I am paying the price for the unkindness of another person, but it is right that I'm having to answer for my own participation. It seems unfair that I'm the one suffering when they have probably not thought twice about their actions or words, but my suffereing is not from them, it is from myself.

I am a forgiving person... when it comes to forgiving others.

When I look back and think of all that happened I can see that as wrong as this person was to say and act the way they did, I can not judge. I was no better. I was not acting how I was raised. I was acting as ungodly as they were and He knows I know better. I'm not saying it's easy to walk away from a circumstance when you and your family are being verbally attacked, but I know He would have given me the answers and the appropriate way to respond had I just listened.

He is a forgiving God.

Thank goodness for that!

I do not agree and do not condone the behavior that took place, but I apologize for my part in it. I will not deny that my heart still aches for the hurt my family was put through on a day they will never get back, but I will admit I had part in it. I can not control the actions of others, but I can control my own.

It's time to let go. I'm ready to move on. I remain on my knees praying.

I've learned to forgive them... and myself.

In my opinion, in the end, it all comes down to me and God on the road to FORGIVENESS.

And I know in my heart that He has forgiven me.

He has given me the chance to turn a terrible moment into a cherished memory all the while teaching me the real meaning behind forgiveness.

James 1:19 "But let every man be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger."

Not MY Child

Ok - so over at MckMama's, she has decided to change up her usual "Not Me Monday" to "Not My Child" which of course I must take part in, because... it's abnormal for my children to act up! =)

And well, I felt after the past week(s) we recently had, there is just too much to not just laugh about .... For instance:

Jace NEVER tried to eat crushed granite! He would NEVER do something like that, and then when questioned what was in his mouth, he totally did NOT try to hide it by sitting on it. Not MY child!

Jace's new thing when he gets angry is NOT to scream NO so loud while clentching his fists while steam blows out his ears because he's a complete angel all the time and he would never be mean. Nope, not MY child.

Just like Hank would NEVER intentionally make Jace so mad just to see/hear him scream like mentioned above. Nah, not the sweetest big brother ever -- not MY child.

Jace so did NOT throw a cucumber covered in ranch at me last night after crawling on the kitchen table when he decided he was finished with dinner, because well, that would make me a bad mom for laughing instead of punishing him and well, I'm SUPER MOM and my kids are always well behaved little men! My child would NEVER do something like that.

And I promise Jace did not take the steak bone from dinner last night and start chewing on it like the dog was doing to the other because that would be just gross.... and weird! Ha, that would be pretty darn funny if he did do that tho, don't ya think? But it wasn't MY child. Nope!!

The hardest part about participating in Not MY Child is where to stop!?! Seriously, I could go on and on and on because my kids are always perfect up to something!

What did your kiddos NOT do this week?? C'Mon... it's theraputic, so hop on over to MckMama's page and join in on the fun! =)